In our last blog we discussed serving God as an RSO. There are battles that both saved and unsaved RSOs fight, and although not always visible, these battles are just as real as actual physical combat. Some of these we have already noted in the past, such as societal stigma and rejection by churches. But what about those thoughts that go on in the minds of RSOs who are trying to get their lives back on track? That is more what this blog will address.
We know that sexual offenses wreak havoc on the minds of those who are victimized as well as their families. Much emphasis is rightfully placed on their emotional and spiritual wellbeing. These poor souls should be cared for and helped to overcome the trauma inflicted upon them. However, in the ensuing maelstrom of outrage over that the perpetrators have done, there is no mercy allocated for them. How many times have you heard prayer in church offered for sex offenders? How often have you heard someone wish they could get some real help? No, much more likely you have heard death wishes upon them, hopes that they would be tortured or mutilated in some way, and so on. What we must not lose sight of is that most of these individuals will get out of prison someday. If they are hated, hindered, and deliberately snubbed and stigmatized repeatedly, how is that going to help them overcome sexual offending and become better people? What does that kind of hatred do to their minds?
A person who is an RSO, contrary to popular belief, does not cease to be a human being. Such people still have hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I am not addressing those who do not wish to change. For such toxic individuals, permanent incarceration is the answer. I am addressing those on the registry who are overcoming, or who have overcome, their desires to perpetrate sexual offenses and live better lives. They want to move forward and let the past stay in the past.
RSOs have an extremely hard time finding meaningful employment opportunities. Some do, and some are very successful. Many of them, however, get stuck in low-wage or hard-labor jobs. One of the most significant things that people, especially men, identify themselves and their success with is work, not only working but with what job they have. For those who want a better life, being stuck in undesirable or low-paying employment weighs upon the mind. Such people begin to feel that they are failures, that opportunity has passed them by. Compounding this problem is being on the registry. They think such things as “You’re just a sex offender anyway.”
Even worse is rejection over one’s RSO criminal history. Convicted sex offenders are barred from employment in many fields, even though a number of job opportunities do not involve target victim types or do not present easy opportunities to offend. The reformed RSO is not looking to commit further crimes anyway. He or she just wants to get on with living. It is painful to be turned away because of your RSO status or let go from a job because a person’s supervisor does not agree with the boss’s move to give them a chance. Both have happened to me as an RSO and, let me tell you, I felt deep despair afterwards, sometimes almost to the point of wanting to give up and die. Because I was already no longer offending, there was no danger to others, but what about when this happens to sex offenders who are not as far along in their recovery?
Saved and unsaved RSOs alike face the temptation to revert to their former behaviors. This deviancy can be triggered, for instance, by prolonged, severe stress such as chronic unemployment or, in the case of Christians, a feeling for whatever reason that God no longer loves them. In 1996 I got out of prison as a relatively new believer. My first probation officer had been a former college classmate of mine and the requirements for probation were not yet so stringent. In 1997 all that changed. As the system began to single out sex offenders for special contempt and punishment, the probation department was reorganized, with different POs supervising different categories of offenders, including registered sex offenders. I had been receiving counseling from a Christian counselor who encouraged me in the fact that through Christ I could be completely set free from pedophilia. That changed, too.
Certain care providers were designated for RSOs on probation and going through mandated sex offender counseling. I got switched over to one. These secular counselors told me I could never be cured, that I could only learn to control my thoughts, basically. I was also diagnosed with PTSD, but they didn’t give a damn about that. All they cared about was the sexual stuff, had I committed more crimes, what sort of sexual thoughts did I have, things of that nature. Because my earthly father had been harsh and abusive when I was growing up and because Christians tend to view God through the filter of their earthly father (until they mature and/or overcome past traumas), I came to believe that because God let this happen to me, He would never forgive me for my past no matter how sorry I was for what I had done. I believed that perhaps God had never even really saved me. I went into a terribly backslidden condition. At times I tried to snap out of it, but fell back yet again, eventually relapsing into pedophilia and being arrested for another crime as a result. While I do not excuse my actions, only a fool would say that what happened to me was not a contributing factor. How many other RSOs might have never made another victim had a little more compassion been shown?
I have been out of prison since 2009. Glory be to God for the changes He has made in me! While unsaved RSOs do not have so much protection against the temptation to reoffend, some do not commit anymore sex crimes. As for those of us who are born again, we are targets for demonic attack. We face the temptation to reoffend, too. When Satan sees that he cannot get us to reoffend anymore, he will change tactics, sending his demons to tempt us in other ways. There is the temptation to fornicate, or if you are married, to cheat on your spouse. There is temptation to view pornography or to target some other adult demographic for seduction, such as a certain racial or ethnic group or age bracket, for example. Although these forms of sexual activity may be legal by man’s law, all sex outside of marriage (including the viewing of porn) is forbidden by the Word of God:
Genesis 2:21-24: And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man he made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
1 Corinthians 6:18: Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.
Hebrews 13:4: Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.
Not all temptation has to be sexual. Lust could be replaced with the temptation to overeat, to explode in anger, and so on. The fact is, the battle is real, and if you are an RSO striving to serve God, you will definitely be targeted and your past will be thrown back up in your face, even by others who also name the name of Jesus Christ.
Church hurt is especially brutal. Part of what the Gospel message is all about is redemption. We have shared in previous blogs how jolting it can be for a believer who comes out of prison, having experienced sincere acceptance and fellowship, to try joining a church only to be denied or heavily restricted based on his or her conviction. It is inescapable that church elders have a God-given mandate to protect their flocks (Acts 20:27-31). When protections wound other sheep, however, those are not viable options in the eyes of the Lord.
Matthew 18:6: “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
A lot of Christians think this applies to those who harm children. It can, but it does not stop there. This also includes those who cause God’s children—Christians—to sin. How many RSO believers have backslidden or given up on the faith because of the restrictions and backlash they faced from various churches? All of you elders and congregation members who have done this, Matthew 18:6 also applies to you. YOU are going to have to give an account to God for wounding your brothers and sisters who sought solace and fellowship in your churches, and He is not about to hear your excuses.
The truth is, everybody has to battle with something. Even if you had never been in trouble in your life and had everything you wanted, you would have some sort of battle going on. With RSOs, however, the battles are more numerous and more challenging. We are faced with a world full of people who think we cannot be rehabilitated, a poisonous mindset that sadly has taken root in many churches. Politicians pass onerous laws to make life harder for us just because they can. Our so-called justice system, superior though it is to many others on earth, is still grievously flawed when it comes to addressing sex offenders. What can we do?
Dig in for the long haul. Even though it is possible that eventually the registry and these ridiculous laws might be modified or eliminated, it is highly unlikely to happen right away. If you think you are meant to be an advocate for your fellow RSOs then get busy advocating. Find organizations to link up with and add your voice to theirs. Whether you become an advocate or not, do not give up. If you are still living then God still has a purpose for your life. Do not give in to those who want to see you fail, and don’t make yourself an easy target for attack. Know that there will also be people who will stand with you and not against you. If you are a Christian, NEVER mistake others’ hostility as a reflection of how God feels about you. Your sins have been washed away by Jesus Christ, and the Lord will never hold them against you again. If you find a church that is Biblically grounded and that will accept you for who you are today instead of who you used to be, by all means join it. Yes, the battle is real, but it can be won, especially with God’s help.
