When I am outside, whether driving somewhere or just out in the yard, I take the time to enjoy the beauty of nature. Even in winter, when the grass is dormant and only the evergreen trees are green, the land still has a beauty of its own. In the spring the flowers burst forth and the plants put out new leaves. All is green and growing in the summer, while autumn’s chill sets the trees on fire with a blaze of colors.
Even the sky is an object of delight. Some days are crystal clear while others are overcast, and the rest are varying degrees in between. There are the wispy, feathery cirrus clouds, the cumulus, towering thunderheads, and many others. At night the sky fills up with stars of different brightnesses and colors. The moon goes through its phases faithfully. Sometimes I might see a shooting star.
It is good to see the wild animals as well. Birds singing, squirrels climbing up and down trees, even the occasional raccoon and possum. Then there are cats trotting through the neighborhood, dogs barking, hawks soaring overhead, and various other animals out there depending on where I am.
All of this, I longed for when I was behind the razor wire. Even if the surrounding countryside of a prison was appealing, I could not go visit it. At night I could not go outside unless it was because of a work detail, a shakedown, or a fire alarm going off, but at those times I did take the opportunity to look at the night sky, remembering when I used to look at it in the free world. Sometimes we did have cats around, and petting one was a nice break from the barren prison environment. Now I’ve been free for many years and I try not to take any aspect of nature for granted.
There is something else about nature, whether it is in the sky, the land, or the animals: There is no judgment. While many animals won’t come up to me, they avoid me out of survival instincts, not because of my past. The trees and flowers, bushes and grass do not frown upon me. The sun, moon, stars, and clouds, indeed the sky itself, none of these hate me because I have a criminal record. I am free to enjoy their sights and company without fear and without judgment. When it comes to people, it’s different.
Like most people, I have places to go—the store, church, the gas station, and other places. When I first got out of prison I felt like I was as transparent as glass. It felt like everybody knew about my past and harbored hatred or resentment towards me. Every police car driving by was meant for me, every knock on the door was one of them coming to take me away for whatever reason though I had done nothing wrong, and so on. This is the kind of paranoia people suffer from when they first get out. Thankfully it did not last too long for me. However, a new kind of apprehension set in, one born of rejection by others because of my criminal history once they knew about it.
Nowadays I am able to mingle with crowds and make small talk. It is not all that difficult as long as they don’t know me. But I wonder in the back of my mind: How would they treat me if they knew I was an ex-convict? When I see “Welcome” on church marquees I almost want to laugh because I know that more often than not it’s a lie. Many churches don’t want certain kinds of people in their congregations, including folks like me. I know this is true because I’ve experienced this rejection.
When I’m out and about and I see law enforcement personnel I wonder how they would treat me if they became aware of my record. Seeing folks in grocery stores, book stores, and other places brings to mind the same question. Am I always apprehensive every moment of the day? Absolutely not. Though I’ve been burned by rejections and worse during my time out of prison, I am not crippled by any of that. Then there is the other side of the coin: There are people who have accepted me in spite of my criminal past. There are people who have given me a chance. There are Christians, not the least of whom is the pastor of the church I attend, who see me as a man redeemed by Jesus Christ.
People such as these are a treasure. They are a real blessing. With people in my corner the sting of the blows of rejection is reduced. I can stand. I can go on. Having such people in my life helps me to have a balanced view of people. While I know that some people would judge me and hate me if they knew I was a convicted felon, I also know there are others who will accept me and give me a chance. Such people bring happiness and hope to my heart. Yet for all that, there is a hope above all this. I have mentioned Him already: Jesus Christ, our living hope.
I got saved on April 28, 1995, in prison. Imagine that, a God who loves fallen man so much that He will even save people behind bars. Several years later, in a depressed and backslidden condition, I reoffended. Despite the gravity of what I had done, I found that the Lord had never left me. Throughout years of ups and downs, doubts and faith breakthroughs, Jesus Christ has stayed with me.
This is a love beyond any human capacity. How could a holy God love me at all, much less a person who has done the evil that I have done? And upon saving me, how could He have so much patience as to not cast me off when I’ve backslid? How can His Spirit dwell in me and make me over when there has been so much damage and so much filth? How can Jesus Christ, who paid a price none of us could ever pay, even bother to save me at all, much less keep me knowing the struggles I would have as a Christian? In all this, I am in awe of God. He still loves me, He’s still working on me, and He still hasn’t left me.
Years ago a contemporary Christian song called Good Good Father [1] came out. I wondered if this was another one of those lame, all-about-me songs so common in today’s Christian music scene. Also, although me and my earthly father mended our relationship in later years, as a child and younger adult I dealt with a lot of emotional abuse and occasional physical abuse at his hands. It was hard for me to see God as being different from Dad. Not only did I wonder about the legitimacy of this song, I also scoffed at the title given what I had experienced at the hands of my earthly father. And when I would read the Bible or hear it preached, I often wondered or felt as though every angry, condemning verse applied to me. It was often hard for me to believe I had ever really gotten saved or that God could love me.
But when I heard that song, it was a much different experience from what I was expecting. This song was anointed, it was a for-real Christian song, one giving God the praise He so richly deserves and exalting him as the good heavenly Father that He is. Oh, the doubts and concerns I had did not go away all at once. In fact, I still have to deal with that occasionally. However, I began to see God as good, not only as the Lord God Almighty but also as my Father in heaven. At salvation I was adopted into His family. Like a good Father, God loves me, encourages me, motivates me, and when I get out of line He disciplines me. While His discipline can be extremely painful, as witness the ten-year prison sentence I served for my second felony conviction, it all stems from love, not hatred or malice, and I am a better man and a better Christian because of it.
Lost people have no such assurance because, although they are all God’s creation, spiritually they are not God’s children; only those who have been born again can claim God as their heavenly Father (John 8:44; Romans 8:9-17). If you are lost and you are reading this blog I encourage you to look on our website on How to be Saved. If you are saved and struggling with doubts about your salvation and the goodness of God as God and as a Father, you must remember that our feelings can deceive us, but the Word of God is always true. I will close with some Scriptures that I pray will help you. They have certainly helped me and have reminded me that by having Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior I have a living hope.
1 Peter 1:3-5: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
John 6:37, 44: “All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out…No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day.”
John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
Matthew 7:11: “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”
Psalm 103:12-14: As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.
Ephesians 1:13-14: In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory.
Ephesians 2:1-10: And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of the flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
Hebrews 12:5-11: And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: “My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the LORD loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives.” If you endure chastening, God deals with you as sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Romans 8:35-39: Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: “For Your sake we are killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.” Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Psalm 23:1-6: The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
REFERENCES
All Scripture references are from The Holy Bible, New King James Version, Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson.
[1] https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=good+good+father+chris+tomlin YouTube video, Good Good Father by Chris Tomlin. Written by Pat Barrett and Anthony Brown. Copyright © 2014 by Housefires Sounds, WorshipTogether.com Songs, sixSteps Music, and Capitol CMG Paragon.
