Politicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, law enforcement officials, crime shows, and many other people and genres portray sex offenders as remorseless animals who are utterly unredeemable and who cannot be rehabilitated. Such beliefs fuel everything from the sex offender registry to proximity restriction laws to vigilante violence against RSOs. Like it or not, that is the world we are living in, but we who are RSOs do not have to let the opinions of others define us.
One thing that does not help this woeful image is when those convicted of sex crimes really are not sorry for what they did. They are only sorry they got caught and, upon release from prison, are looking for their next opportunity to commit perversion. The fact is, there are some people who are not going to change. But that doesn’t have to be you.
We were heartbroken over the crimes we committed, as we have said in times past. In fact, the author of this blog was laden with too much guilt, which helped to precipitate a second offense and arrest in 1999. Excessive guilt and shame are just as dangerous as a lack of remorse. A snowball effect ensues, with one negative feeling compounding upon another to the point that the person so afflicted becomes unable to see themselves as anything other than a sex offender. The terrible things believed about RSOs are not helpful.
We pray that any of you out there who are convicted sex offenders are genuinely sorry for what you did. Such a violation impacts many others far beyond the victim. When you fall, you never fall alone. Others fall with you. These include the victim’s family, your family, and other people closely associated with you and with the victim. No matter how mitigating the circumstances are on your end, there is no excuse for committing sex crimes.
As an RSO who is sorry for what you did, what is next? You own what you did. Taking responsibility is a vital step in overcoming sexual deviance—or any issue, for that matter. When you take responsibility for your actions you take charge of your destiny. You begin to do whatever is necessary to be freed and to stay freed from such terrible issues. For those on parole or probation, you will be mandated to take sex offender counseling. Those who are not can still seek some sort of help, be it counseling (especially pastoral counseling) or some other group such as Celebrate Recovery or Sexaholics Anonymous.
The problem with secular counseling is that you will be told, “Once a sex offender, always a sex offender.” Perhaps you will not if you receive pastoral counseling, although in the climate of today’s worldly church that is iffy, but you most certainly will hear that from the non-Christian set of counselors. You must not only give mental assent to the fact that you can change, you must take that belief into your heart and live by it. Never give in to the lie, “once a sex offender, always a sex offender.”
Many people want RSOs to live in a state of perpetual shame, guilt, and dejection. We cannot afford to live like that. In a way it is just as dangerous as having little or no remorse. So there has to be a balance. How do you balance remorse over your crime(s) with moving forward in life?
Facing and owning the reality of what you did can be most painful. That is to be expected. When you begin to wake up to and take responsibility for the way you violated someone else, particularly if it is pedophilia, it feels as though someone has taken a wrecking ball to your heart. I cried profusely when my moment of truth came, and it hit me even harder after I had reoffended. If you’re feeling this way, that’s good. That’s healthy. Let it hurt. Let the tears fall. Let the awful nature of your crime sink in. Don’t run from it, don’t hide from it—Face it! Accept it!
Once that is done and you begin to snap out of it, it is time to calm down and start thinking about the whole situation. Who are you? Where did you want to be in life? How did you end up here? How did you become a sex offender? You must get a sense of direction as to how you got where you are. From there you begin taking steps to overcome your obvious deviancy disorder. We realize that a number of RSOs are not Christians. Some may have no religion at all. As Christians we cannot commend a different faith to you. But we insist that you cannot leave your issue unchecked or it will re-emerge. It will also return if you start drowning in guilt, shame, and condemnation.
Having dealt with your sex-offending issue, how do you go on in life when you know that many people do not want you to succeed and do not believe that you can change? How do you deal with it when, no matter how genuinely you regret what you did, people don’t believe you’re sorry? You have got to build a solid foundational knowledge of who you are that will stand whether anyone believes you or not. Get to the point where, although it would be nice if people believed you, you don’t need their affirmation in order for you to know how you really feel. Don’t let others define you with a lie. If you know you are remorseful for your crime(s) that is good enough.
Refuse to fall back into excessive guilt and self-condemnation. A self-reproaching attitude can quickly morph into unbridled guilt and shame, and its consequences can be most unfortunate. Don’t condemn yourself for living a life free of guilt and shame over your past. It is okay to have a life after you have committed sex crimes. You are already paying the price if you are reading this in prison, and have paid that price if you are reading this when back in the free world.
Some RSOs experience genuine remorse and change while serving prison sentences which render them incarcerated for life. Even in prisons where a high percentage of the inmates are sex offenders, those who are not can be very cruel and even dangerous. You might be physically attacked, and even though you may be truly sorry for what you’ve done, others could call you all kinds of vile nicknames. Do what you have to do to defend yourself within reason. No matter what, never let the negative things that people say define who you are. Live the best life you can even if you will not get out of prison.
For those who are free again, move on with your life as best you can with the freedom you have. Until or unless the registry and other laws are abolished we have to live with it. Free or incarcerated, it is possible to achieve a balance between being sorry for your crime(s) and not letting your past bog you down. Of course, since we are Christians we must recommend the salvation that comes only through Jesus Christ. He is the best way to a better life even if you are an RSO. Not only that, but the pathway to real change lies through Him. Secular psychology and programs will only take you so far. Jesus changes people from within. This is where real change happens, where sexual deviants are unmade and saints of God are built instead.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21: Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Now then, we are ambassadors of Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God. For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
If you want to be saved, click here. Once into our community website, click the panel that says, “Click Here for Salvation.” You will find Scripture and instructions for how to be saved. The means to contact our ministry is also provided in our community.
An RSO who has become a Christian can pray for his or her victim(s) and those associated with them. Prayer can also be made with those in your family or otherwise involved with you whom you hurt when you committed your crime(s). Often RSOs are not legally allowed to have contact with their victims. Even if years have passed and for various reasons there might not be such restrictions anymore, the potential to reopen more wounds and thus do more harm than good is high. By praying for these people you place them into the hands of God, who can help anyone overcome anything. By living a life free of crime you prove through your actions that you are no longer who you used to be. You show that although you may still wear the RSO label and still have to comply with the registry, you are no longer a sex offender. Anyone can say they have changed. Their actions will tell the true story.
What do your actions say about you, RSO? Have you really and truly changed? If so, praise God, that is awesome. And know this: It is possible, especially in Christ, to balance remorse with moving on in life.
