You all know me as James by my blogs or as Jimmy by our podcasts. Jimmy is the name most people call me because that’s what I’ve been called all my life and it’s less formal than James. Anyway, you also know that I have been incarcerated. Actually, I served two sentences, one from 1991-1996 and the other from 1999-2009. I have remained out of prison and jail since then. From this it is clear that I did some bad things and made some serious mistakes, but that at some point I got straightened out. There are also other errors I made that, while not criminal, certainly caused me to stumble along the way as I worked to successfully transition back into the free world.
This blog is meant both for transparency and for encouragement. Even if you are struggling to become reintegrated with society, you can get on track. I will share with you what happened in my journey and what helped me. Since I am a Christian I must share from a Christian perspective. However, there are principles I adopted which can be of help whether you are a Christian or not.
When I got out the first time in early September 1996 I was relatively new to the faith, having been saved April 28th of the previous year. Right from the start I harbored a great deal of shame about my past. It inhibited me from socializing for some time and also delayed my finding a church to attend. On top of that, the criminal justice system and probation landscapes were shifting in the 1990s amidst a deepening get-tough-on-crime climate. I was switched from Christian to secular counseling (an “approved care provider”) and in 1997 went from hearing that I could be made free of my past issues to hearing that there was no cure for convicted felons like me. Yet young in the faith, carrying a heavy load of shame and having doubts about my salvation, I went into a tailspin, thinking these changes were a sign from God that He had never forgiven me and never would, no matter how sorry I was for what I did. The despondency led to heavy drinking, sexual promiscuity, and ultimately, reoffending, which promptly and justly landed me back behind bars.
Serving a 10-year sentence this next go-around, I had a lot of time to think about where things went wrong and what I could do better next time. By the time I finished my sentence in late May 2009 my father had passed away. That was a change which took some getting used to. I was not on any probation this time. However, that hard ball of shame deep in the well of my soul had not died. It was still there. Rejections from employment and having to take DUI classes and substance abuse counseling felt like more of the same: My past was never over. I drank again, even after all those years sober behind bars and being convinced that I would never touch the stuff again. A family intervention led to my return to regular AA attendance in 2010. Two years later I very nearly ended my life.
Three years after I got out I faced some unforeseen legal consequences which led to unexpected restrictions being placed on me. It was 1997 all over again. The same doubts about God and my salvation reemerged. I drank heavier than ever. If there was one positive that came out of all this it was that I was led to Celebrate Recovery. Even as all this was coming down on me, there were some in AA who had gotten wind of my past and had started to antagonize me about it. I left AA as much to spare the wellbeing of my tormentors as I did to get away from the harassment. Had I stayed, in my backslidden and enraged state God only knows what I might have done.
In late September 2012 I had a gastric hemorrhage brought on by a combination of heavy drinking and acid reflux. In my self-loathing and belief that God had forsaken me I had almost destroyed myself. I could have died. However, the bleeding stopped without any surgical intervention and I was out of the hospital within two days. On the heels of that, I had several seizures due to alcohol withdrawal and was medically ordered not to drive for some time.
Between family, friends, and other transportation God provided an unbroken means of me continuing to go to technical college and Celebrate Recovery. The unconditional love I was shown by the people in CR, God used in order to save my life. Despite all that had happened, God had not given up on me. Even so, the journey forward has not always been easy. I had some more alcoholic relapses, albeit without the hemorrhages, but I am certainly alcohol-free now. Thank God I have not reoffended! Furthermore some of the added restrictions that had been placed on people like me were found to be unconstitutional so I got some relief from that.
However, because people with felonies are the target of real hatred, including from politicians and even a number of people who claim to be Christians, there are times that I get angry and discouraged. Health issues have forced me to start taking disability. It is a blessing, yet at the same time it comes with its own limits and sometimes that bothers me. While the shame I carried with me for so long is not as great as it once was, some of it is still there and I have to deal with it so it will be gone for good.
What have I done to get on track? One thing I had to do was to take a good look at my life to see if there were any repeating self-destructive behavior patterns. Even in this blog it is clear that there are. It is a buildup of confidence that seemingly hits a wall when a deeply felt need or desire is not met, followed by a descent into deep insecurity and self-destructive behavior. That pattern is not new to me. Before I got saved it was relationships with females that triggered me if all did not go right, and believe me, it did not. There was the shame factor there, too. I was unpopular growing up and, as I came into adulthood and saw so many of my peers getting married, I felt like a freak and a loser. Then there were the crimes I committed which produced profound shame in me both before and after salvation.
A poor relationship with my earthly father severely affected my perception of God. At a young age Dad lied to me about not punishing me for something I did and, on top of that, shamed me very severely. Now this shame, the shame of my criminal past, and the rise-slam-crash cycle combined together when certain circumstances or certain people’s attitudes arose in my life, and invariably I would take it as a sign that God was displeased with me, had never forgiven me, and never would forgive me. It’s the same self-destructive cycle but with different triggers.
I have had to come to recognize this cycle in my life and deal with it. Am I finished? No. But through God, His Word, and godly people I have come a long way from where I was. As noted earlier, I’ve been out of prisons and jails since 2009. The drinking is gone. Still, again, there is residual shame, there are remaining soul wounds, that I have to deal with. Plus I have had to start saying who God says I am as His adopted son according to His Word.
How you see yourself when you get out of prison is very important. No matter how hard the system and other people try to define you, don’t define yourself in terms of your crimes. You are not your crimes. Should you feel remorse and a sense of responsibility? Absolutely. Genuine remorse and owning your responsibility for your own actions—no matter what led you to that terrible place—are the first steps in overcoming your criminal behavior. As a Christian I heartily recommend the salvation that is found only in Jesus Christ. But if you are not ready to take that step then you can still remember not to define yourself in terms of your past. That is what I have had to do in order to get settled down.
Also, you must develop some mental toughness. This is a cruel world we live in. There will be people you meet who will stand in your corner. Value them because there are a lot more who will resent you because of your past. Don’t be an open book to everyone. Not everyone needs to know about your criminal history. If you recklessly share your past with others you will find yourself the target of many character attacks that could have been avoided. Such wounding and viciousness from others tears you down and can give you more issues to deal with. At the same time, you cannot crumble every time someone says an unkind word to you or laughs at you or talks about you behind your back. Learning how to let stuff roll off of you unless it’s something that must be confronted will give you a lot of peace. This is another thing I had to learn how to do in order to get on track.
If you give up, you will fail. No matter how hopeless things look, do not quit. Learn how to persevere. If you have toxic shame then deal with it. Redefine yourself in terms other than shame. That is what I am in the process of doing. Shame will make you constantly vulnerable to the opinions of others. It will destroy you if you leave it unchecked. And when you do something such as a job, excel at if you can. Build positive relationships. If you had old friends who were bad influences, don’t let them back into your life. If you do let them back in, that’s a mistake. Ironically my lack of popularity earlier in life means I didn’t have old bad friends to contend with. To sum it up, being honest with myself but not brutal plus depending on God, His Word, and Christian friends are what helped me get on track. I do not have to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and neither do you.
Do I still attend the Christ-centered 12-step program Celebrate Recovery? No, I do not. I got every benefit that I could out of the program and no longer need it. However, I still visit from time to time for the fellowship and to touch base with old friends who are still in it. As a Christian my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ gives me strength. So does the Bible. I have a small but solid core of Christian friends who love me in the Lord and who help me stay accountable. I also have a good home church and family support. Whether or not you have all of these things in your life, however, it cannot be understated that how you see yourself is a big part of the effort to succeed in living outside of the prison walls. That, good influences in your life, and letting go of shame and any other negativity such as unforgiveness, along with staying sober if drugs and/or alcohol was a weakness for you, will help you get on and stay on track.
